Jet lag is hell. All three of us are so screwed up on our sleeping schedule, Jim and i are hacking sick, and i'm all post-pardum emotional on top of it. Ugh. Yesterday was not a good day. (This post may not be the happiest one. As Lemony Snicket would say, if you want to read something cheery, you might want to find a book about happy little elves and put this down now.) There. I warned you.
First of all, jet lag. I thought i was so smart. I thought i had it all figured out. Jim and i got less than an hour of sleep the entire 16 hours of flights; we arrived home at 6pm to our wonderful families, and stayed awake until about 9:30pm. I just knew that we were so exhausted that we'd sleep 'til 8am and the jet lag problem would be resolved. HA. We were awake that first morning at 3:30am, then napped from 12noon to 7pm. Oops. Last night, we thought we were smart again - we stayed awake until midnight, thinking we'd sleep most of the night. Not. The three of us were up again at 3:30am. We all went back to sleep around 8am, and Maelin and i slept until Baba made us wake up at 11am. She did NOT want to wake up ... poor thing! I know that the jet lag thing takes time to adjust to, but damn, it sucks.
Jim and i are both sick. I think the jet lag would be bad enough without the sickness. We're using up Kleenex like crazy - Baba had to make a trip to the store today to buy more! He also got some Halls cough drops and Mucinex. We're hoping we won't need a trip to the after-hours clinic tomorrow. Fortunately, Maelin only has a small cough and runny nose. The medicine we bought in China seems to work well for her.
Grief and guilt. Yesterday was ROUGH for Mama and Maelin. Maelin was very whiny and cried for her foster mom several times throughout the day. Each time she cried, i cried. Each time she cried, i doubted myself for taking her away from a loving family (albeit foster), a beautiful language, and an amazing culture. When we thought she was severely/profoundly deaf, i knew that we'd be giving her a language (ASL), a culture (Deaf), and an education at MSD. But she's not deaf. I think she has a hearing loss, but it's certainly not severe/profound. So instead of my logic of giving her everything, we're taking away. It's hard to be responsible for something like that.
Yes, i know things will get better. Today is already better than yesterday. Maelin is less whiny and hasn't cried for her foster mom yet today. It's beautiful and sunny outside, and as you can see from the picture above, she looooooves riding the golf cart with Baba!! I know that there are many things we will have to give her - language, culture, an education. She'll have opportunities as a woman here in this country that she probably would not have in China. And she already has a Mama and a Baba who love her very much.
5 comments:
So glad to hear you had a safe flight home. Sorry to hear the jet lag is so rough and that you and Jim are so sick, I really do hope you get to feeling better real soon.
Shonda, Maelin should be crying for her foster mom, that's all she's known and if she didn't cry for her she wouldn't be a child who knows love and comfort. This is all very new to her right now and it's going to take time, she will get to the point where she will realize that she is loved so very much by you and Jim. Each time she cries, it's okay for you to cry with her, that strenghtens your bond with her, but you don't have to feel doubt or guilt because you didn't "take" her, just believe that God gave her to you.If it wasn't meant for her to be with you and Jim the adoption procedure and the journey to go get her wouldn't have gone as smoothly as it did. She may not be profoundly deaf but she is still hh and you can still teach her the language and education. Yes, you can give her more than she probably would have had if she would have grown up in China and she will be so thankful someday when she is old enough to understand, you know why I think so? Because I know how much you and Jim love her. Just from talking to you I could feel that love being generated towards her. Go back and look at your faces in the pics, you are all so happy and the love shows, that's what matters. What you are feeling is what I felt once, you know my situation but it was the best thing to do, you know that. in my email to you when I said something about the "things that go bump in the night", these are some of those things, they will pass. If you need a shoulder, I'm here for you. Keep us posted.
Thoughts and prayers and love.
~Connie
I'm so sorry to hear about your roller coaster ride. It gets better...I promise! Connie made some really good points (so I won't reiterate)...just know that you have a lot of support behind you...and don't hesitate to ask for help.
You're in my thoughts,
~Shelly
P.S. I made something for you today :-) let me know when you are ready for company!
Maelin bonded with her foster family and that is a plus for you...she was with wonderful loving people instead of being in an orphanage--you know she can connect to people, and very soon that connection will transfer to Jim and you! They were foster parents caring for her until her own parents, you, came for her. Levi was sick constantly when we got back...for about the first 6 months. I'm sure he didn't have any immunities to the illnesses here, and although Jeff remained healthy, I got everything he got-but we got through it together. You have a hugh network of friends and family to help you through, and once you all get some sleep, you will be doing much better! Until then...can I suggest chocolate??? Or ice cream??? It always helps me! Pam
Shonda, Thank you for continuing to share your amazing story! I just want you to know that so much of what you are feeling is normal for ANY new parent. I can remember coming home with Madison and thinking "Oh my God, what have we done". I had doubts about everything, and the lack of sleep never helps your self-confidence. Only your sister (shelli) makes eveything look so easy. lol. All parents wonder if the choices they make are good for their children, and yes we make mistakes, but they are done with love and ultimately thats all they need, our love. Don't spend your time wondering what if, spend it enjoying what is! We can't wait to meet Maelin, Madison hounds me daily! Let us know when your ready for a vist from the Walkers. All our love, Tracey (and Madison says HI)
Shonda,
Hey! you guys need some good homemade chicken soup! Hope your all better soon.
Now as far as the guilt thing. Not gonna repeat what everyone else has said but i will tell you this. Her foster family was the transition just like the 9 months and labor is for natural moms. She was simply waiting to be born to you. Just as a newborn cries from being taken from his mothers womb she crys for her foster family. She now has to adjust to life outside of the womb and in the arms of her mama and baba. She will be fine. So will you and Jim. You will give her the world because you love her... that is the world the rest is just details! Love, Tara and David
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